Caring for a Parent: Ashley's Story

When Roles are Suddenly Reversed

Ashley Perdue, a member of the SOS Board, is a full-time Territory Manager for the largest U.S.-based construction finance company.

Her "other" (critical) role is as a wife, mother of a 13-month-old, and caregiver to a 71-year-old mother with Alzheimer's.

She bravely shares her experience to educate and inspire other working women and men with caretaking responsibilities.

When was your mother diagnosed with Alzheimers? What did you learn about it?

"My mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's in 2022. With my grandmother being in memory care since 2010 this did not come as too much of a surprise for me. However, it came much earlier than I expected. My grandmother is currently 92, on hospice in a memory care facility in Florida. My uncle has been caring for her for many years.

Early onset Alzheimers can hit for numerous reasons, and my mother’s came from years of alcohol abuse and head trauma from falls, including ones that lead to mini-strokes. Unfortunately, the strokes and Alzheimers were not discovered until 2022 as I needed first to get her sober long enough to have bloodwork, scans, and numerous doctor appointments scheduled.

With her becoming sober we were also able to discuss electing a Power of Attorney to be able to make decisions for her as she continued her decline." 

What was the impact on your work and life?

"After my father passed away in 2018, I finally talked my mother into moving to Arizona from Nebraska in 2020. The first step was to get her sober, which was a challenge entirely itself and can be saved for another time.

Not only was I concerned with her overall health, but I also realized that she had dug herself into severe debt. Of course, this became a huge mental drain. It took time away from my work and personal life. I was also in the middle of planning my wedding. I was suddenly faced with both an emotional and financial burden.

My fiancé, now husband, was supportive but definitely resentful. It was hard for him to see the 'why' as to how I continued to clean up mess after mess. Unfortunately, he didn’t get to meet the version of my mother, who was kind, loving, smart, and hilarious.

I just had to keep reminding myself that she’s my mom, but we had a hard conversation with my mother, including the decision that I was going to do everything I could financially for her until we were married and had to transition into putting ourselves first."

What did you learn from the experience?

"I learned that I should have contacted services much earlier. You can work directly with the Alzheimer's Association and the Agency on Aging for resources. 

They assign you with a case worker who can assist with meal deliveries, home cleaning, companionship, taxes, and other types of government assistance."

What advice would you have for other women facing similar challenges?

"ASK FOR HELP and BE HONEST. I let both the Alzheimer's Association and the Agency on Aging know that I had SO much information but no idea where to even start. My case workers helped write up a step-by-step plan at my own pace, so it didn’t all feel overwhelming.

Find out NOW what insurance, if any, your parents have for long-term care and what their wishes are. It is not your responsibility to take care of them unless you WANT to. 

Talk to your significant other EARLY, if yours or their parents health decline would you allow them to live with you? Have the tough conversations before you don’t have time to think it over.

Anything else you'd like to add?

"In Arizona, a Power of Attorney form only covers financial controls matters. You need a completely separate Medical Power of Attorney, so make sure you have both.

DO NOT skip out on events or things that bring you joy to be a caregiver. You cannot fill from an empty cup and the person you are caring for would not want you to lose out on your happiness. You’ll feel more alone & resentful for the person you are becoming and who you are caring for in the process."

Many of us have responsibilities for our careers and work teams, along with children, partners, aging parents, and pets.

This series can help you realize you are not alone! We commend Ashley for her honesty, resilience, and guidance to others!

Have a story about your own caregiving challenges? Please reach out!